Caffeine-Powered Life

Body Acceptance

I have now completed 10 weeks of CrossFit at TitanFit. I am getting stronger. I am working hard. I love it. I never knew there was a strong person inside this body. I am thisclose to being able to do a real, unassisted pull-up. And the people are really encouraging.

I have been logging all my workouts on Fitocracy. Yes, I was doing the Fito thing before Miss America made it so popular. Was that hipster enough? Talk about a lot of body-positive people.

Last night, Meaghan and I went shopping. I need a new belt. I should get a suit. I don’t own a suit. Shouldn’t every man own a suit? I found one that I loved at Banana Republic. A nice, three-piece gray suit. It was quite the handsome affair.

Tailored Slim Fit.

Fuck.

As I look around, all the pants are “Classic Straight”, “Slim Fit”, “Tailored Slim Fit” (wasn’t Slim enough), and “Matchstick”. What the fuck is Matchstick fit? I’m in the men’s section, right? Yes, I am. Oh, they don’t sell clothes I can wear. Isn’t that a thing women say? Do guys say that? And then, this thought hit me, in the way that thoughts are known to hit people.

I cannot wear pants from Banana Republic. AND I AM FINE WITH THAT!

I have spent a long time - ever since I started this weight loss journey - thinking that 175# was this ideal weight for me. According to my height and BMI calculation, 175# is my perfect target. But maybe that’s not me. I kept thinking I should be 175# with 15% body fat.

So why is CrossFit relevant to this story?

I weigh, plus or minus 3 pounds, the same as I did in November: 199#. I am working out 5-6 days per week, with some decent weight training on four of those days. My push-ups suck, but they’re getting better. My cleans suck, but I think that’s because my form is terrible. I can kill box jumps and squats. Ten weeks ago, my one rep max on standing overhead press was 75#. This week, my max is 100#, and I lifted 75# 13 times in a single set. Progress!

I have dropped 2.5” off my waist, but I can’t buy smaller pants because my thighs have gotten bigger. (Thus, the reason I am shopping for a new belt.) And I’m perfectly fine with that. A large shirt has gone from being tight in the belly to just about perfect.

Maybe I’m supposed to be closer to 200#, but with a bodyweight bench press and a 315# squat.

And I don’t need to be some bulked-up monster, either. Just fitter and faster.

I am still not happy with the way I look. My body fat, based on pictures, is still probably close to 20-22%. But it’s much better than the 25-27% it was a few months ago. And I will drop weight - probably my usual 10# - this summer once I’m running and cycling outdoors more frequently. But I’m not going to look. I have quit using my scale. I’m going on three weeks without looking. I will just keep doing stuff and pushing myself hard. The mirror, my clothes, and my performance tell me 1000 times more than that one number on that damned device.

That’s just me, I suppose, and guys are probably just as fucked up as girls when it comes to body acceptance. But I do feel better about myself — a little bit every day.